The "A" Word

Shortly after we moved into our new home I took Ty to his 3 year check up with our family doctor. He has been working with Ty for just over a year now and is very familiar with all of Ty's struggles. At this particular appointment, we discussed the amazing progress Ty has made in his speech over the last few months. But with so many questions still up in the air, we decided it was time to see a developmental pediatrician. I made an appointment with the Melmed Center in Scottsdale and had to wait 3 months before seeing one of their specialists.

Monday we had our first appointment. After spending a few hours with Trent, myself and Ty, she voiced her perceptions and concerns about Ty. She acknowledged how intelligent Ty is, and even attributed some of his difficulties to his communication delays. Then she used the dreaded "A" word. Autism.

This declaration wasn't completely shocking to either Trent or I, but it was still heartbreaking to hear. As she shared the observations that led her to this conclusion, I couldn't help feeling overcome with emotion. It was as if she had opened an old wound - when we discovered Ty was struggling at 19 months. Her observations were accurate, her insight invaluable. I made another appointment to conduct more thorough testing, specific to the autism spectrum which will determine his official label and diagnosis. I held my composure during the evaluation for exactly one hour and 50 minutes. And then I broke. I quietly wept most of the long ride home. Trent gently questioned my emotions, reminding me that we knew this was a possibility. It's true, we've known that Ty's obstacles stretched further than just a speech delay. But can you ever prepare yourself for the sting of unwanted news? I am grateful for Trent's strength and his profound love for Ty. I am thankful that he is a pillar that I can lean upon.

That afternoon I relayed my experience with a new found friend whose son is severely autistic. She identified with my feelings of grief and sorrow, but reminded me that Ty is the same little boy right now as he was before receiving this diagnosis. And I knew that she was right. While I don't want to sit around and mourn the loss of the future I had in mind for him, I am finding it very difficult to keep my mind from swimming in the pool of what if's. I worry about how people will treat him, how far reaching his limitations will be, and mostly I am heartbroken that I cannot take this burden away from him.

The upside of this news is that we may have more resources available to us with a label of autism. His case is likely mild and he has so many capabilities. We have already received an outpouring of love shown to us in the last few days. And do forgive me if I see you in person, or we talk on the phone and I choke back tears when I talk about my little boy. In time I know I will be less emotional. Well, maybe.

Whatever the outcome of our next battery of tests, some things remain constant. I know that my Father in Heaven sent me this little boy because I am supposed to be his mother. I know that He does not make mistakes and that Ty is exactly the person he is supposed to be. I am thankful for the plan of happiness and for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who atoned for my mistakes so that I can repent and return to my heavenly home. And because I know this, I know I can find joy in our imperfect circumstances.

More answers in a a few weeks.

(And then a million more question...)